The Psychology of Gay Tops: A Gay Men’s Therapist Explains Sexual Roles

Michael Pezzullo
2 days ago
3 min read

Why do some gay men strongly identify as tops? Is it simply about physical preference, or is there a deeper psychological explanation behind sexual roles in gay male relationships?

As a gay men’s therapist, I often see clients assume their sexual positioning is purely biological or fixed. In reality, sexual roles like top, bottom, vers, or side are shaped by a complex mix of physical arousal, psychology, identity, culture, and emotional experience. Understanding the psychology of gay tops isn’t about putting anyone in a box—it’s about increasing self-awareness and sexual satisfaction.

What Are Sexual Roles in Gay Men?

In gay male culture, sexual roles are commonly described as:

* **Top** – prefers penetrating

* **Bottom** – prefers being penetrated

* **Vers** – enjoys both

* **Side** – does not enjoy penetrative sex

Much of gay dating and hookup culture revolves around navigating these roles to find compatibility. From a psychological perspective, these roles often function as shorthand for deeper relational dynamics, expectations, and identities.

Physical Preference vs. Psychological Arousal

For some men, topping is largely about physical sensation—what feels good in the body. But sex is rarely just physical. Psychological research and clinical experience show that arousal is deeply influenced by emotion, meaning, and self-concept.

Sexual positioning can reflect how a man experiences closeness, power, vulnerability, and agency. In this sense, topping can become a way of expressing identity rather than simply a mechanical act.

Masculinity and the Psychology of Topping

Topping is often culturally associated with masculinity, dominance, and assertiveness. Many gay men who prefer to top feel aligned with these traits—not because they are inherently superior, but because they feel authentic.

In a culture where masculinity has historically been policed or denied to gay men, topping can sometimes function as a reclamation of masculine identity. This doesn’t mean all tops are dominant or emotionally closed—it means the role can symbolically affirm strength, presence, and confidence.

Performance, Validation, and Desire

Another psychological layer of topping involves performance. Many tops enjoy the act of *doing*—being active, effective, and responsive. There can be satisfaction in knowing you are desired, capable, and successful at giving pleasure.

For some men, this performance element connects to validation. The feedback loop of seeing a partner respond positively can reinforce desire and self-worth, especially for men who were once taught that their sexuality was wrong or undesirable.

Control, Safety, and Emotional Regulation

Control is another important theme in the psychology of gay tops. Topping often allows a man to guide pacing, rhythm, and intensity. For individuals who value structure or who feel overwhelmed in other areas of life, this control can feel stabilizing.

From a nervous system perspective, being in control can also increase feelings of safety. When a person feels regulated and grounded, arousal becomes easier to access and sustain.

Shame, Internalized Beliefs, and Avoidance

Not all motivations for topping are purely preference-based. For some men, topping functions as an avoidance of shame associated with bottoming.

Internalized beliefs—such as viewing bottoming as feminine, passive, or inferior—can still persist even in affirming environments. In these cases, topping may serve as a way to protect masculinity or distance oneself from vulnerability.

It’s important to note that this is not universal, nor is it a moral judgment. These patterns often develop unconsciously and are shaped by culture, upbringing, and past experiences.

Do Sexual Roles Change Over Time?

Yes—often. Sexual roles are not static for many gay men. Preferences can shift based on age, relationship context, emotional safety, trauma healing, or increased self-acceptance.

What feels arousing or safe at one stage of life may evolve as confidence and emotional flexibility grow. From a therapeutic perspective, flexibility—not rigidity—is usually a sign of integration.

A Gay Men's Therapist’s Perspective on Labels

Labels like top, bottom, vers, or side are tools—not identities. They can be helpful for communication, but they shouldn’t limit exploration or self-understanding.

Gay affirmative therapy emphasizes curiosity over judgment. The goal is not to change desire, but to understand it—so that sex becomes an expression of authenticity rather than obligation or defense.

Final Thoughts

Sex is a form of self-expression. The more insight you have into your emotional world, attachment patterns, and relationship to masculinity and power, the more fulfilling your sex life tends to be.

Whether you identify as a top, bottom, vers, side, or none of the above, understanding the psychology behind desire can lead to deeper intimacy—with others and with yourself.

If you’re interested in exploring these dynamics further, working with a gay men’s therapist or sex therapist can be a powerful step toward greater self-awareness and connection.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.