Gay Therapist: Every Top Needs These 2 Qualities

When people talk about great tops, the conversation usually centers around dominance.

The assumption is that great tops are naturally confident, assertive, and always know exactly what to do. As a result, many gay men conclude that becoming a better top means becoming more dominant.

But after years of working with gay men as a therapist and coach, I've found that this is often where the confusion begins. Many men don't struggle because they lack confidence. They struggle because they haven't learned to distinguish healthy aggression from unhealthy aggression.

As a result, they often find themselves caught between two extremes. On one side, they don't want to come across as controlling, selfish, or unsafe. On the other, they recognize that confidence, initiative, and leadership tend to create attraction and chemistry. Not knowing how to reconcile those two realities, they often become hesitant. They hold back, second-guess themselves, and avoid taking the lead altogether. Ironically, that hesitation often creates more problems than it solves.

The Role of Healthy Aggression

The word "aggression" tends to make people uncomfortable. Most people associate aggression with anger, intimidation, control, or getting what you want at someone else's expense. But healthy aggression is something entirely different.

Healthy aggression is simply the ability to move toward what you want. It's the willingness to initiate a conversation, make a move, express desire, take a risk, or provide direction. It allows someone to stop waiting for permission and start actively participating in creating the experience they want.

When I talk about healthy aggression in a sexual context, I'm not talking about being rough, forceful, or domineering. I'm talking about being willing to lead. A confident top often creates momentum in an interaction. He is comfortable expressing desire, initiating intimacy, and helping move things forward rather than expecting the other person to do all the work.

Many gay men struggle with this because they spent years learning to suppress parts of themselves. They learned to hide attraction, minimize their presence, avoid conflict, or make themselves less visible. Those adaptations may have helped them survive difficult environments, but they can also create confusion around confidence, masculinity, and leadership later in life.

Why Dominance Alone Doesn't Work

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the belief that topping is primarily about dominance. It's easy to understand why this idea exists. Dominance is often portrayed as the defining characteristic of a top in pornography, social media, and even within gay culture itself. The problem is that many men mistake dominance for confidence.

Unhealthy aggression is often driven by insecurity rather than genuine confidence. It can show up as pressure, entitlement, performative masculinity, or a need to constantly prove oneself. Rather than creating connection, it often creates distance. A man who is trying to look dominant may appear confident on the surface while remaining disconnected from the person in front of him.

That's why simply acting more dominant rarely solves the problem. The strongest tops aren't focused on proving how dominant they are. They're focused on creating a great experience for both people involved.

The Missing Ingredient: Safety

This is the part of the conversation that gets overlooked most often. Many people assume sexual chemistry comes entirely from tension, attraction, and desire. While those things matter, they are only part of the equation. The best sexual experiences often involve both tension and safety.

Think about the people you've had the strongest chemistry with. Chances are it wasn't simply because they were confident. It was because they combined confidence with awareness. They paid attention to your reactions, adjusted to what was happening between the two of you, and created enough trust that you could relax and fully engage in the experience.

Safety doesn't eliminate attraction. It deepens it.

When someone feels safe, they don't have to spend their energy managing anxiety, monitoring the situation, or protecting themselves. Instead, they can become more present, more playful, and more connected. This is where many men get stuck. They believe they have to choose between being confident and being caring. In reality, great tops do both at the same time.

What Actually Makes a Great Gay Top?

If I had to simplify it, great tops tend to possess two qualities. First, they are comfortable with healthy aggression. They know how to express desire, take initiative, create momentum, and provide leadership. Second, they know how to create safety. They remain aware of the person they're with, pay attention to feedback, and understand that trust is an essential part of attraction.

Most men naturally lean toward one side of this equation. Some become overly passive because they're afraid of being perceived as aggressive. Others become overly focused on dominance and lose sight of connection. The strongest tops learn to balance both. Because what actually makes a great gay top isn't dominance alone--it's the ability to create both tension and trust.

Watch the Full Video

In this video, I break down the difference between healthy and unhealthy aggression, why so many gay men struggle with taking the lead, and how great tops create both chemistry and safety.

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Many of the men I work with struggle with confidence, intimacy, masculinity, dating, relationships, and sexual health. Often the issue isn't a lack of motivation—it's a lack of insight into the hidden patterns keeping them stuck. If you'd like to learn more, visit my Gay Men's Sexual Health page. And, if you're interested in therapy or coaching, you can schedule a free consultation call below:

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