Navigating Relationships: A Guide to Couples Therapy for Gay Men

In general, couples therapy for gay men is similar to couples therapy for straight men. We’re all human beings, and we all carry the same primary needs for attachment and love. But it goes without saying that there are specific nuances to gay male relationships. Here are the key components of effective couples therapy for gay men.

What is your Ideal Relationship?

Most gay men grew up without a clear vision of what a gay relationship would actually look like. We had very few role models. Many gay men resigned themselves to the idea that their relationships would have to exist in secrecy—if at all. Luckily, our culture has changed dramatically. This change, while welcome, has also been a huge adjustment for gay men. Many gay men have found themselves navigating public, supportive, long-term relationships. Since this type of relationship was off the table for quite some time, many gay men find themselves not knowing exactly what they want out of a relationship. Many have never truly considered: what is my ideal relationship?

Open Relationships can be . . . Messy

In our community, we make our own rules. It’s one of the most liberating aspects of being in the queer community. But this freedom can be, quite frankly, messy. While many gay men enjoy the advantages of open relationships, most do not anticipate the pitfalls that come with them. It’s important to acknowledge that consensual non-monogamy is fun. But it’s typically fun . . . with problems. These dynamics are bound to trigger insecurity in even the most confident man. You can practice healthy communication all day long. That doesn’t mean your feelings won’t get hurt every now and then. And that’s okay. I think it’s better to acknowledge the messy feelings that come with open relationships rather than trying to force them away.

Gay Men are still Men

Gay or straight, I think men have a much more difficult time identifying their emotional needs in general. We’ve been socialized to repress them. For gay men, years of being closeted only reinforces the pattern of the suppressing myself. Now, in a relationship, we’re prompted to excavate these suppressed emotional needs and tasking our partner with meeting them. When this doesn’t go well, we end up feeling consistently let down by our partner. It’s important to recognize that we’re setting up our relationship for failure. Whoever we decide to partner with, we’re going to have to find the courage to ask for what we want.

Rejection Sensitivity

As gay men, we’ve spent a significant portion of their lives living in secrecy, isolation and shame. We’ve experienced a lot of criticism and rejection—whether that rejection was stated or just implied. So it’s easy for those old wounds to get triggered in our romantic relationships. In relationships, we long for unconditional acceptance. But we must also be prepared for some critique. Criticism is a natural byproduct as two people navigate a relationship. What’s important is to not magnify those criticisms and turn them into full-on attacks. Keep in mind: your partner can be frustrated with you—and love you—at the same time. And probably on the same day, and within the same hour.

This is what we Fought for

There is a common narrative that gay men today are flippant about our relationships. That we don’t really take them seriously, and are more interested in pursuing endless, casual sex. I disagree. If anything, I think gay men are more appreciative of their relationships because of how difficult it’s been to find them. Let’s not forget that gay marriage was only legalized nine years ago. For most gay men in a committed relationship, it was a struggle to get there. We’ve fought this hard for our rights. I think most of us deeply appreciate that. But that doesn’t mean relationships are easy. In my experience, most couples wait too long to begin this work. Starting couples therapy early can prevent problems from forming and strengthen the bonds that already exist.