Same-Sex Attraction vs. Gay: Why the Language Matters More Than You Think
- Michael Pezzullo
- 10 hours ago
- 5 min read
Former American Idol contestant American Idol star David Archuleta recently shared how his sexuality was framed by the Mormon church as “same-sex attracted." That distinction---between same-sex attraction vs gay--might sound small. Psychologically, it’s not.
Language shapes identity. And sometimes, clinical-sounding language can quietly turn identity into something that feels like a condition to manage — rather than a natural part of who someone is. For many gay men raised in religious environments, that distinction isn’t semantic.
It’s developmental.
“Same-Sex Attraction” Vs. Gay
When you call someone “gay,” you are describing who they are. When you call it “same-sex attraction,” you are describing something happening to them. That subtle shift changes everything. “Gay” suggests integration.“Same-sex attraction” suggests temptation.“Gay” is identity.“Same-sex attraction” is impulse. One is stable.The other implies something to regulate, resist, or recover from. And over time, that framing shapes how someone experiences themselves.
How Religious Framing Can Create Internalized Shame
Many religious systems — including teachings historically associated with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — use the term “same-sex attraction” to avoid affirming gay identity.
The logic often goes like this:
Attraction isn’t a sin.
Acting on it is.
Therefore, identity must be separated from behavior.
On the surface, that may sound compassionate. But psychologically, it creates fragmentation.
It teaches someone: “You are not this. This is something you experience.” That may reduce immediate theological tension — but it increases psychological tension.
Over time, this can lead to:
Chronic shame
Identity suppression
Anxiety around intimacy
Compartmentalized sexuality
Hyper-vigilance about desire
Emotional splitting
As a therapist who works primarily with gay men, I see the long-term impact of this framing regularly.
When Identity Becomes a Problem to Manage
Men raised in conservative religious environments often come into therapy saying things like:
“I struggle with same-sex attraction.”
“I don’t want this part of me.”
“I’m trying to manage it.”
Notice the language. Struggle. Manage .Control. When sexuality is framed as a burden, it often becomes one.
This can later show up as:
Sexual compulsivity
Double lives
Difficulty forming relationships
Shame after intimacy
Fear of emotional closeness
Religious trauma symptoms
The issue isn’t being gay. The issue is being taught that being gay is a problem.
The Broader Psychological Cost of Clinical Language
Clinical-sounding language can feel neutral — but neutrality isn’t always neutral.
When a term avoids affirming identity, it subtly reinforces:
“This is unfortunate.”
“This is something to endure.”
“This is a temptation.”
“This is a condition.”
Over time, that framing impacts nervous system development. Many gay men who grew up in these environments learned to monitor themselves constantly. Am I thinking something wrong Am I desiring something wrong?Am I being tempted? That hyper-monitoring often persists into adulthood.
You Don't Have To Untangle This Alone
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone — and you’re not overreacting. Help is available. Book a free consult call today.
The Connection to Conversion Therapy and Identity Suppression
For some, “same-sex attraction” language was not just theological — it was the gateway to attempts at change. Conversion therapy programs historically relied on this exact framing: you are not gay, you experience same-sex attraction.
That distinction justified efforts to suppress or eliminate it. If you’re interested in understanding the long-term impact of these experiences, I’ve written more about it here:
Many men don’t even realize they experienced a subtle form of identity invalidation — because it wasn’t overt abuse. It was linguistic. And language shapes self-concept.
Integration vs. Management
Healthy psychological development requires integration. When identity is treated like a symptom, people split themselves in two: The acceptable self.The hidden self. That split — not sexuality — is what creates suffering.
When identity is integrated rather than managed, men report:
Decreased anxiety
Healthier relationships
Reduced compulsive behavior
More authentic connection
Increased emotional stability
The goal isn’t rebellion.The goal isn’t ideology. The goal is psychological coherence.
If You Grew Up Hearing “Same-Sex Attraction”
If you were raised in a religious environment and still feel conflicted about your sexuality, you are not broken. But you may have internalized a framework that treats part of you like a liability.
That can be gently untangled. If you’re looking for support around religious trauma, identity shame, or sexual integration, you can learn more about:
Watch My TikTok on This Topic
I recently discussed this topic in a TikTok video that has already received over 15,000 views.
You can watch it here:
Frequently Asked Questions
Is “same-sex attraction” the same as being gay?
Not exactly. “Same-sex attraction” describes an experience — attraction to someone of the same sex. “Gay” describes an identity. Many religious institutions use the term “same-sex attraction” to separate desire from identity. While this may seem like a neutral distinction, it can lead people to view their sexuality as something temporary, external, or problematic rather than an integrated part of who they are.
Why do some religious communities use the term “same-sex attraction” instead of gay?
Some religious frameworks avoid affirming gay identity by using language that frames sexuality as an experience rather than a core part of self. The idea is that attraction may exist — but acting on it should be resisted. Psychologically, this can create internal conflict by encouraging individuals to treat their sexuality as something to manage rather than understand or integrate.
Can the phrase “same-sex attraction” contribute to shame?
Yes. When sexuality is framed as something separate from identity, it can subtly reinforce the idea that it is undesirable, unfortunate, or morally questionable. Over time, this can lead to: Internalized shame, Identity confusion, Emotional suppression, and Anxiety around relationships This is especially common in individuals raised in non-affirming religious environments.
Is “same-sex attraction” connected to conversion therapy?
Historically, yes. Conversion therapy programs often used this language to frame sexuality as a condition that could be reduced, controlled, or eliminated. By defining sexuality as attraction rather than identity, it became easier to justify attempts to change or suppress it. If you experienced this kind of messaging growing up, you may find support here: Conversion Therapy Survivors.
Is it possible to integrate sexuality after years of suppression?
Yes. Integration is a psychological process — not a single decision. With the right support, people can move from: “I struggle with same-sex attraction”to Greater emotional stability, Healthier relationships, Reduced shame and Increased authenticity.
Related Readings: Exploring Identity, Shame, and Healing
If this topic resonated with you, you may also find these helpful:
You Don’t Have to Manage Who You Are
If you grew up hearing that your sexuality was a struggle, a temptation, or a condition — that message may still be shaping how you see yourself.
But healing is possible. Not by rejecting your past. Not by attacking your faith. But by integrating your identity in a way that feels coherent, grounded, and whole. If you’re ready to move from managing yourself to integrating yourself, you can book a free call today.
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