
As a gay therapist in West Hollywood, one of the most common themes I encounter among gay men is internalized homophobia. People from all walks of life can carry shame, which often has a variety of origins. However, in our community, there’s a common culprit: internalized homophobia. If you think you’re struggling with this, here’s how you can shift your mindset from self-rejection to self-acceptance.
What Is "Internaized Homophobia"?
As gay men, we often hear the phrase “internalized homophobia.” To understand this concept, let’s first clarify what external homophobia is. Our culture harbors many negative views about gay individuals, stemming from sources like the church, the media, or even friends and family. The prevailing sentiment is clear: homosexuality is flawed, wrong, sinful, and reflects poorly on you. Internalized homophobia occurs when you absorb and believe these damaging messages. The truth is, every gay man grapples with this to some degree, often influenced by the level of rejection faced during adolescence.
What Does It Stick?
For many gay men, the cure is coming out. That’s what we’ve been taught: just come out, and you’ll feel better. Indeed, once they experience acceptance of their sexuality—rather than rejection—their shame often diminishes significantly. However, even after coming out and living their best lives, many men still carry remnants of shame; internalized homophobia can linger.
Should I Be Worried?
Shame is one of the most destructive psychological forces, and harboring it—whether related to your sexuality or otherwise—can inhibit your life. It can lead to decreased confidence, anxiety about your mannerisms, and fear that others can "clock" your sexuality before you disclose it. You might also find yourself being overly judgmental of other gay men, driven by your own internalized shame, which compels you to criticize their every misstep.
So How Do I Unlearn This?
Anything that is taught can also be un-taught. The issue isn’t solely that people hold negative views about gay individuals; the real problem is that you believed those views. In life, we encounter numerous ideas. Some we accept, and others we reject. For instance, some people think the earth is flat, while the majority of us do not. Reflect on the ideas you’ve been presented with—clearly, you have the capacity to reject concepts that don’t resonate with you. So why not apply the same logic to internalized homophobia?
Craft Your Own Beliefs
We often focus on what others say. Have you taken the time to clarify your own belief systems and the messages you tell yourself? Ask yourself: do you genuinely believe there is something wrong with being gay? Do you think being straight is better? If so, why? Or do you view sexuality as a beautiful aspect of life that can be expressed in myriad ways? These are just prompts; the goal is to develop your own belief systems around sexuality and homophobia instead of allowing others to dictate your thoughts.
A Gay Therapist On Internalized Homophobia
Therapy is an ideal space to begin unpacking and re-crafting your belief systems. The truth is, almost everyone experiences confusion and shame about sexuality. We’re conditioned to have a complicated relationship with our sexual identities at best. Gay men, in particular, develop a unique relationship with their sexuality. Ensure you work with a therapist who is either a gay man or has a deep understanding of our culture. To get started, you can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here.
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