A Gay Couples Therapist's Guide to Navigating Open Relationships

A lot of gay couples are curious about open relationships. They see so many of their friends starting to play around that they can’t help but wonder if they’d enjoy this dynamic too.  Open relationships can be a liberating experience, especially within the LGBTQ+ community where traditional norms often don’t apply. The beauty of being gay is that we have the flexibility to create our own rules around love, intimacy, and sex. However, diving into non-monogamy is not without its complexities. For those interested in exploring sex outside of their committed relationship, there are several important factors to consider. As a gay couples therapist in West Hollywood, here are some key points I urge you to consider:

1. Set Clear Rules

One of the most critical steps before venturing into an open relationship is establishing clear and well-defined rules. Vague boundaries often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It’s essential to have open discussions about what is and isn’t acceptable for both partners. For example: are there specific people you don’t want your partner exploring sex with? How will you handle STIs and sexual health? What kind of sexual activities are off-limits? These discussions should be candid and thorough to ensure that both partners feel safe and respected.

2. Renegotiate Periodically

Just as life evolves, so do our needs and feelings. The rules you initially set might not serve you well down the road. It’s crucial to approach your relationship with flexibility and a willingness to revisit and renegotiate your agreements. Regular check-ins can help ensure that both partners feel heard and valued. Maybe you agreed to using hook up apps early on, but now, a couple years into non-monogamy, you’re no longer comfortable doing so. Or, maybe you feel the rules you and your partner set are actually too strict, so you’re not able to enjoy yourself as much as you had hoped.

3. Expect Messiness

Let’s be real: open relationships can get messy. No matter how well you communicate, feelings are bound to be triggered. Insecurities may arise, and sometimes, even the most well-laid plans can go awry. It's important to normalize this messiness and recognize that it's a part of the journey. For gay men, you might find that one partner is much more successful at finding sexual encounters outside the relationship than the other. Acknowledging that challenges will come up can help you approach them with compassion for both yourself and your partner. Give each other permission to have feelings.

4. Protect Your Primary Relationship

Non-monogamy should ideally enhance your primary relationship. Before opening things up, take a moment to reflect on your motivations. While the allure of sexual exploration is clear, consider what you specifically hope to gain. Are you seeking different types of sexual experiences, or simply a variety of partners? Most importantly, as you venture into new experiences, it’s crucial to protect the bond you share with your committed partner. Avoid diminishing the value of your existing intimacy; otherwise, you risk treating sex as something to be outsourced entirely, which could jeopardize the health of your entire relationship.

A Gay Couples Therapist on Open Relationships

Is sex worth all of this trouble? That’s for you (and your partner) to decide. I know I’m a bit biased here, but my best advice to couples considering non-monogamy is seek professional guidance beforehand. A gay couples therapist can help you avoid so many of the pitfalls open relationships create. You should be able to explore and celebrate your sexuality as much as you want. Remember: the point is to open your relationship—not sabotage it.

You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here. And my couples therapy practice here.