Why some Gays don’t like Pride — A Gay Therapist’s Take

Every June, cities around the world explode with rainbows, parades, and parties. For many gay men, Pride Month is a highlight of the year—a time to celebrate identity, visibility, and community. But for others, Pride can feel alienating. Not every gay man feels represented by the parades, the drag shows, the dancing in the streets. Some view these celebrations and wonder, “Is this really what being gay is supposed to mean to me?”

If that’s you, you’re not alone. As a gay couples therapist, I’ve worked with plenty of men who quietly dread Pride Month. They feel pressure to show up, be seen, and be loud, even when it doesn’t feel authentic. So if you're a gay man wrestling with what Pride means to you—or whether you want to celebrate it at all—here are my unfiltered thoughts as a gay therapist:

1. Your Pride Doesn’t Have to Be Public

Pride began as a fight for visibility and equal rights. In the 1970s, being out was a radical act of resistance. Being visibly queer could cost you your job, your family, or worse. Marching in those early parades was about survival. Today, in many parts of the world—especially in urban, liberal areas—gay men have much more visibility and protection.

And that’s a good thing. But it also means that for some, the need to declare their sexuality publicly feels less urgent. If you don’t enjoy the crowds, costumes, or club nights, that doesn’t make you any less proud. You don’t have to prove your gayness to anyone—not through your clothes, your dance moves, or your attendance at a parade.

Pride can be quiet. Pride can look like loving your partner openly. Pride can mean living your life without shame. You don’t owe anyone a performance.

2. Pride Isn’t Just About Parades—It’s About Equality

Some gay men I work with tell me they feel like Pride celebrations have drifted from their original purpose. What began as a movement for equal rights now sometimes feels like a corporate-sponsored party or a free-for-all of causes. One moment, you’re celebrating gay history; the next, you’re being handed a flyer about pup play or a political protest unrelated to LGBTQ+ issues.

Let’s be clear: many of these causes are important and valid. But it’s also understandable if you feel like the core message—LGBTQ+ equality—is getting diluted. You’re not wrong for wanting Pride to feel more focused. Pride should still be a space where closeted teens, newly out adults, or those struggling with self-acceptance can see that they’re not alone. That there is a community ready to embrace them.

At its best, Pride is about reminding the world—and ourselves—that we all deserve dignity and equality, no matter how we express ourselves. That mission doesn’t require sequins or floats. It just requires sincerity.

3. Pride Is Personal

For some, being gay is central to their identity. It’s shaped their friendships, politics, career, and sense of self. For others—especially younger gay men—sexual orientation might not feel like a defining feature. And that’s not apathy; it’s progress. The goal of the gay rights movement was never to make everyone wear rainbow flags—it was to ensure that people could be who they are without fear.

If you’re gay and it’s just one small piece of your identity, that’s valid. Maybe you’re more passionate about your career, your art, your spirituality, or your relationships than your sexual orientation. Maybe your form of Pride is just living authentically and not feeling the need to explain yourself.

You don’t have to wave a flag to be proud. Simply living your life as an out, whole person is enough.

A Gay Therapist’s Perspective on Pride

Here’s the bottom line: Some gay men don’t enjoy Pride. That doesn’t make them any less proud—or any less gay.

The only real criteria for being part of the gay community is being gay. That’s it. Being gay isn’t a personality type. It’s not an aesthetic or an ideology. You don’t have to fit a mold or check any boxes. There’s no test to pass, no party to attend, and no parade to march in.

You’re allowed to celebrate Pride in your own way—or not at all. Pride was built on the idea of freedom. That includes the freedom to be quiet, private, introverted, or ambivalent. If your Pride looks like reading queer history, cooking dinner with your partner, going on a hike, or just saying “I’m okay with who I am,” that’s enough.

No one owns Pride—not corporations, not activists, not the guys on the floats. Pride belongs to all of us. And that includes you.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.

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