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Many people are discussing and seeking sex therapy these days. Terms like “sex positive” and “kink allied” are frequently referenced. A sex therapist operates on the premise that sex shouldn’t be optional; rather, it is an essential part of a healthy, fulfilling life. Thus, your sexual fulfillment is as important as addressing any other aspect of your well-being. But what exactly is this modality? And how can sex therapy be utilized specifically by gay men? Here are my thoughts.
What is Sex Therapy?
In general, sex therapy primarily focuses on sexual functioning, providing a safe space to explore your sexual interests and struggles—without judgment or shame. While non-judgment may seem like an implicit part of the therapeutic process, many individuals are hesitant to bring up sex with their therapist. You don't necessarily need to have a problem to seek sex therapy, but often there is one. Some individuals pursue treatment alone or with a partner if they are lacking sexual fulfillment in their relationship.
Sex and Our Emotions
Men may be surprised to hear this: sex is highly emotional. Sure, anonymous hookups can feel devoid of emotion, but the truth is that we express many emotional needs through sex. Anonymous encounters may actually reflect a desire to express separation and distance—rather than connection—through sex. To enhance your sexual experiences, it's essential to understand what you’re expressing sexually. To do that, you’re going to need to discuss your feelings. You might be surprised by how little time is spent actually talking about sex at all in this process.
Biology vs. Psychology
Before starting any therapy, it's always advisable to get a physical exam. This is particularly crucial in sex therapy. Consult a urologist to rule out any medical conditions that could be interfering with your sex life. While online retailers like Hims offer discreet ways to address sexual functioning via your smartphone, many sexual dysfunctions don’t stem from medical issues. So you could end up relying on medications such as Viagra unnecessarily. Often, psychological barriers are actually the culprit. This can come as both good and bad news. While it can be reassuring to know there is nothing physically wrong, psychological barriers are more abstract and can be harder to identify.
Putting It into Practice
In sex therapy, you can expect more homework than in traditional talk therapy. You may be encouraged to try new sexual behaviors, whether with partners or by yourself. Mindful masturbation, for example, is a common practice suggested by sex therapists. Another technique is non-genital touch, a sensate-focus technique developed by Masters and Johnson (often considered the founders of sex therapy). You might also be instructed to avoid pornography for a while as well—or to reduce your consumption.
Sex Therapy for Gay Men
Sex is a complex part of the human experience for anyone. For gay men, there are additional layers of complexity and confusing. Many gay men carry lingering shame about sex. Just because we’re out and proud doesn’t mean that our wounds from the past don’t still haunt us. And these old hurts often interfere with our sex lives. Unfortunately, almost all of the existing literature from sexologists tends to focus exclusively on heterosexual experiences. So if you’re a gay man seeking sex therapy, I’d suggest that you work with a therapist who is also a gay man.
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