Preference or Prejudice? A Therapist Examines Racism in Gay Dating

Michael Pezzullo
Dec 26, 2025
4 min read

In recent years, conversations about racism in gay dating have become more visible—and more contentious—within the LGBTQ+ community. Many of these debates get stuck in a defensive loop: “It’s just my preference,” on one side, and “That’s racist,” on the other. As a therapist who works closely with gay men, I want to slow this conversation down and bring a psychological lens to it. Not to shame, accuse, or moralize—but to understand.

Because if we don’t understand how attraction actually forms, we can’t honestly answer the question at the heart of racism in gay dating: Where does preference end, and prejudice begin?

Clarifying the Conversation

First, an important boundary. This discussion is specifically about sexuality and dating, not racism in friendship, employment, housing, or other social systems. Those areas involve power, access, and structural inequality in different ways. Racism in gay dating operates at the level of desire—intimate, emotional, and often unconscious.

That doesn’t make it harmless. But it does mean we need a different framework than simply labeling people “good” or “bad.”

Attraction Is Not Born in a Vacuum

One of the most misunderstood aspects of racism in gay dating is the idea that attraction is purely innate. While there may be biological components to desire, who we find attractive is heavily shaped by culture, repetition, and exposure.

In the United States, mainstream gay media has historically centered a very specific image of desirability: white, muscular, masculine-presenting men. For decades, this image dominated magazines, porn, advertising, dating apps, and even “progressive” LGBTQ+ storytelling. Gay men of color, when they appeared at all, were often relegated to stereotypes or side roles.

Representation matters because the psyche learns through repetition. What we see over and over again becomes familiar. Familiarity becomes safety. Safety becomes desire.

This is one of the psychological roots of racism in gay dating: not conscious hatred, but unconscious conditioning.

The Role of Media and Scarcity

It’s also important to acknowledge how limited gay representation has been historically. When a community already receives minimal visibility, that visibility carries disproportionate weight. If the few images of gay love, sex, and romance that exist mostly feature white men, the message—however unintended—is clear: this is what gay desirability looks like.

Even when representation improves, it often feels like an exception rather than a norm. A single high-profile character or actor of color doesn’t undo decades of conditioning. The psyche doesn’t change overnight.

Racism thrives in these gaps—where exposure is narrow and alternatives are rarely normalized.

Unconscious Bias and Erotic Imprinting

Many gay men push back against conversations about racism in gay dating by saying, “I can’t help what I’m attracted to.”And there’s truth there. Attraction isn’t a switch you flip on command.

But psychology gives us a more nuanced question: If a bias is unconscious, what responsibility do we have to examine it?

Unconscious attraction patterns often form early, during adolescence, when desire, fear, shame, and longing collide. For many gay men, this period is marked by secrecy and isolation. Whatever images of desire are available during that time—porn, media, fantasy—can become erotically imprinted.

That doesn’t make someone a bad person. But it does mean that what feels “natural” may actually be learned.

Reflection Without Shame

The therapeutic goal is not to force attraction where it doesn’t exist. You don’t need to date anyone to prove you’re “woke.” That approach backfires and breeds resentment.

Instead, the work begins with reflection:

Have I genuinely explored different aesthetics, or have I dismissed them automatically?
Do I notice myself shutting down interest before curiosity even has a chance?
Am I confusing unfamiliarity with lack of attraction?

In therapy, we often say: You’re not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second.

Racism in gay dating often lives in that first, unquestioned reaction. Awareness creates space. Space creates choice.

Authentic Preferences vs. Harmful Expression

Let’s be clear: you are allowed to follow your authentic desires. Sexual attraction is deeply personal, and no one is entitled to your body or interest.

However, how those preferences are expressed matters.

Publicly stating things like “no Asians” or “no Blacks” in dating profiles doesn’t simply communicate attraction—it dehumanizes. It turns entire racial groups into exclusions rather than individuals. And contrary to popular belief, it’s not necessary. You can pursue who you’re attracted to without announcing who you reject.

This isn’t just about internal desire; it’s also about interpersonal impact. Language shapes environments. Dating apps are social spaces, not private thought journals.

Why This Conversation Triggers So Much Defensiveness

Part of what makes racism in gay dating such a volatile topic is that it touches on shame—especially for white gay men. Many already carry guilt about privilege, masculinity, or exclusion within queer spaces. When attraction is scrutinized, it can feel like the last private territory is under attack.

But defensiveness shuts down growth.

A therapeutic approach invites humility instead: What if my desires were shaped by a system larger than me? That question doesn’t erase agency—it deepens it.

Moving Toward Conscious Choice

The goal of examining racism in gay dating is not self-flagellation. It’s liberation.

When you understand how your desires were shaped, you gain more freedom—not less.

You’re no longer acting solely from conditioning. You can choose curiosity over reflex, openness over fear, and connection over scripts handed to you by a culture that never had your full humanity in mind to begin with.

That doesn’t mean your attractions will radically change. But they might soften, widen, or surprise you.

And even if they don’t, you’ll be engaging with others—and yourself—with more integrity.

Final Thoughts: Racism in Gay Dating

Racism in gay dating isn’t about accusing individuals of being racist monsters. It’s about recognizing how racism operates subtly, psychologically, and relationally—even in spaces that see themselves as progressive.

When we bring this conversation into the open with honesty and compassion, we move closer to a gay community rooted not just in desire, but in dignity.

And that’s a form of intimacy worth striving for.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.