Going “No Contact”: A Therapist’s Advice for Gay Men
- Michael Pezzullo
- Dec 16, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 31, 2025
Most people experience tension or conflict with their families at some point. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and emotional distance are common—and often repairable. But sometimes, a relationship becomes so consistently harmful that the healthiest option is a much more severe boundary: going no contact.
As a gay men’s therapist—and often a no contact therapist for clients navigating family estrangement—I want to speak honestly about what this decision actually means. I’ll explain why it’s especially complex for gay men and what you should realistically expect if you’re considering it.
Going no contact is not trendy self-care. It’s not dramatic boundary-setting for social media. It’s usually a painful, last-resort decision made after years—sometimes decades—of trying everything else.
No Contact as Self-Preservation, Not Punishment
The idea of “going no contact” has become increasingly popular online, often framed as an empowering mic-drop moment. But in real life, it’s rarely that clean or satisfying.
From a therapeutic perspective, no contact is not about hate, revenge, or punishment. A good no contact therapist will emphasize this distinction early on. Instead, it’s about self-preservation—creating space for healing and clarity when a relationship is actively harming you.
No contact is a boundary you set when:
Communication consistently leaves you dysregulated.
Your mental health deteriorates after interactions.
Attempts at repair or compromise have failed.
The other person refuses accountability or empathy.
For gay men, this is especially relevant. Many of us were conditioned early on to tolerate emotional harm to stay connected.
Why This Hits Gay Men Differently
Gay men often grow up learning—explicitly or implicitly—that love is conditional. We learn to minimize ourselves to keep peace, accept emotional neglect, or tolerate subtle (or overt) homophobia in exchange for belonging.
Because of this conditioning, many gay men don’t consider no contact until the damage is severe. They often ask, “Am I overreacting?” or “Am I being too sensitive?”—even when the relationship is clearly harmful.
A no contact therapist working with gay men frequently sees this pattern: the threshold for what we’re willing to endure is much higher than it should be.
Recognizing a Diminishing—and Harmful—Connection
There’s an important distinction to make here: A relationship doesn’t need to be boring, distant, or emotionally unsatisfying to warrant no contact. It needs to be harmful.
This might look like:
Chronic invalidation of your feelings.
Emotional manipulation or gaslighting.
Repeated boundary violations.
Verbal or emotional abuse.
Constant criticism disguised as “concern.”
Going no contact is ideally an act of self-love and self-respect, not a punitive measure. Almost always, it’s a last resort. It’s a devastating and deeply unnatural choice—especially when the relationship is with a parent. No one makes this decision lightly.
The Role Reversal Many Gay Men Experience
Historically, estrangement in gay families often went in the opposite direction. Parents disowned their gay children because they disapproved of their sexuality.
Now, when we talk about no contact, it’s often the adult children setting the boundary. Because of this history, there’s a common assumption that if a gay man has cut off his parents, it must be because of his sexuality. In my work as a no contact therapist, I find this is often not true.
Gay men cut off parents for many reasons that have nothing to do with being gay:
Narcissistic or emotionally abusive parenting.
Chronic emotional neglect.
Control, enmeshment, or lack of autonomy.
Refusal to respect adulthood boundaries.
Sexuality may be part of the picture—but it’s rarely the whole story.
When Should You Go No Contact?
People often try to make this decision by tallying up the other person’s behavior: Was it bad enough? Was it abuse? Do others have it worse?
Instead, I encourage clients to focus less on the parent’s actions and more on their internal experience.
A powerful question to ask yourself is: “How do I feel after I talk to this person?” For many people who eventually go no contact, even a short conversation feels like swallowing glass. The body knows before the mind does. You may feel anxious, ashamed, angry, numb, or destabilized long after the interaction ends.
A skilled no contact therapist helps clients trust these internal signals—especially when they’ve spent a lifetime being taught to ignore them.
The Ramifications: A Lose–Lose Choice
This is the part that often gets glossed over online. There is no winning here.
Going no contact means choosing between two painful options:
Staying connected and continuing to be harmed.
Creating distance and grieving the loss of the relationship you wished you had.
Many gay men expect to feel liberated after initiating no contact. In reality, that’s rarely the first emotion. More commonly, people experience:
Confusion.
Anger.
Guilt.
Grief.
Loneliness.
All of that is normal. You should also be prepared for fallout. Don’t expect the boundary to be met with understanding or respect—especially if the person has benefited from not having boundaries before.
And if you feel tempted to cut parents off impulsively, pause. Estrangement leaves a lasting mark on the relationship, even if reconciliation happens later. A no contact therapist can help you slow this process down and make the decision intentionally rather than reactively.
“Why Are They Like This?”
This is a question clients often ask once they’ve exhausted every attempt at repair. While not always the case, in situations where estrangement becomes necessary, you are often dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, particularly within Cluster B (such as narcissistic or borderline traits).
These individuals tend to be:
Inflexible.
Highly defensive.
Unable to tolerate accountability.
Emotionally unsafe when challenged.
You may never get a clear explanation—or closure. Part of the work with a no contact therapist is grieving the reality that the relationship may never become what you hoped it would be.
Embracing Your Worth as a Gay Man
Gay men have been conditioned to accept less—to normalize toxicity, tolerate emotional harm, and excuse behavior that would be unacceptable elsewhere.
The point of a no contact boundary is not to spend your life obsessing over it. The boundary exists to offer freedom.
Once it’s set, the work becomes:
Redirecting energy toward healthy relationships.
Building chosen family.
Learning what safety feels like.
Thriving beyond survival mode.
A Therapist's "No Contact" Take
As a gay men’s therapist and no contact therapist, I see this transformation all the time. When gay men stop pouring energy into toxic relationships, they finally have room to build lives that feel grounded, connected, and whole.
No contact isn’t the goal. Your wellbeing is.
If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.
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