Uncovering Exiles: Applying Internal Family Systems Techniques in Therapy

Internal Family Systems Therapy:

If you are familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, you may be familiar with the concept of exiles. To make it simple: exiles are the parts of us that we have disowned, and we expend significant energy trying to protect them. They are the wounded parts of us from our childhood that we cannot bear to experience again. For example, the exile could be a little boy who was bullied and carries immense humiliation.

How to Find Your Exiles:

By the time we reach adulthood, we carry with us several exiles. But those exiles aren’t alone; they are fiercely guarded by another critical component of our internal makeup: our protectors. The protector shields that little boy from ever feeling that type of horrific humiliation again. For example, the protector may develop perfectionism so no one ever sees the exile’s vulnerability. The truth is that we expend so much of our time protecting these exiles that we often don’t have a strong sense of what these exile parts are. Below is a quick summary of how to begin to get to know your exiles.

Ask the Protector:

A simple way into your psyche—or into your soul—is through your protectors themselves. You can do this by asking them who they are guarding. This simple question may grant you access to a fragile part of your inner world. Our protectors are often very hesitant to reveal exiles, as they don’t trust that we can handle exposure to the exile’s pain.

Embodied Inquiry:

Another equally effective approach is embodied inquiry. Through this method, you follow bodily sensations, thoughts, feelings, and imagery toward an exile. Think of this as a guided meditation. You sit quietly, close your eyes, and simply try to locate one of your exiles. You may notice a tightening in your chest or a warmth move through you. Images of yourself at a young age may come to mind, or even a specific memory may play out. The key is to notice whatever material comes through and follow it.

Get into Self-Compassion:

Before you begin, you’ll need to conjure up some self-compassion. Any judgment or concern must be left at the door. You can imagine leaving those thoughts and feelings in the waiting room, just temporarily, while you embark on this inner journey. Your exiles have been told repeatedly that they are unworthy and unwanted. If you do not approach them with kindness and compassion, they won’t come out. Remember to imagine these parts as scared little children who must be approached very gently.

Integration & Healing:

While it is important to do self-work with a therapist in general, it is even more crucial when doing Internal Family Systems therapy. It’s a complicated process involving many steps and bringing consciousness to unconscious parts of your psyche. And, complicating matters further, you’re almost inevitably not going to uncover just one exile—you’re going to uncover several.

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