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So many gay men complain these days that they simply can’t find love. They try and try, but they are unable to find the relationship they’re looking for. Many of these men suggest that there simply aren’t any suitable partners. While this may be true to some degree, my philosophy is this: if you want a relationship, you can get one. So, why are you struggling to find the love you desire? Here are the most common roadblocks I see in my work as a therapist for gay men.
1. There’s Always Something Better
We now live in a world of endless dating opportunities. You open any app and are bombarded with a sea of profiles and photos. I believe having so many options inevitably sparks a nagging thought: What if there’s someone better? If you’re dating someone you really like, it’s all too easy to wonder, "While he may be great, what if there’s someone even greater?" While having options can be ideal, I believe this mindset often sets us up for failure. We keep moving from one option to the next, rather than investing time and energy into one person.
2. Wasting Time on the Wrong Guy
If you want to find the right partner, you need to stop wasting time on the wrong one. This is the most common pitfall I see. Many gay men get invested in a relationship that simply isn’t working. Rather than admitting defeat and moving on, they cling to the hope that the relationship might still work out. But as they hold on… and on… and on, they waste precious time that could be spent pursuing a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
3. Pessimistic Attitude
Another common issue I see is pessimism. Many gay men have been burned by past relationships or by the gay community in general. This has left them with an overall sense of pessimism. They don’t feel desirable, and they don’t see many successful relationships around them. While their frustrations are valid, I believe this pessimism ends up clouding their experience. Why put yourself out there if you’re already mostly certain it’s not going to work? Pessimism can poison good things, making it difficult to fully embrace and enjoy the opportunities in front of you. In order to find a relationship, I believe you need to maintain a sense of optimism—that it is possible to find love.
4. Unrealistic Expectations
A partner isn’t there to complete you. They’re not there to alleviate all of your insecurities. They’re not there to agree with you or accommodate everything you want. In fact, they’re there to challenge you. To force you to compromise. To force you to grow. Relationships are bound to trigger discomort at times. If you never want to feel uncomfortable, you may struggle in a relationship. So before you enter one, it’s important to make sure you’re not asking for something that simply isn’t possible. Why? Because no matter how great your partner is, you’re bound to feel disappointed if your expectations are unrealistic.
5. The Trophy Boyfriend
It’s okay to be attracted to certain types of men—this is normal. We can't help what physical attributes we're drawn to. But many guys find themselves chasing perfection, wanting only to date the "perfect 10." This quest for the ultimate "trophy boyfriend" essentially rules out the majority of potential partners. I think we’ve all seen friends start dating someone attractive, only to nitpick and criticize the most minuscule of physical “flaws.” So ask yourself: am I looking for a committed partner, or am I looking for a trophy? Those will likely be two different people.
6. How Gay Men Can Find Relationships
To find a relationship, you need to figure out if what you’re chasing is actually what you want. You also need to be willing to change your perspective. Your past doesn’t have to predict your future. Just because you’ve been single for most of your life doesn’t mean you can’t find an ideal relationship in your present or future. What I know about gay men is that we value relationships in a very special way because, for so long, we were not allowed to have them.
You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here.
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