I’m Out — So Why Do I Still Hate Being Gay?

Coming out is only the first step.

For many gay men, the idea of “coming out” is framed as the ultimate milestone — the big, transformative moment when life finally begins. Movies, books, and even some therapists paint it as a clean before-and-after: once you come out, you’ll feel free, confident, and proud.

But here’s the reality: for a lot of us, that’s not the full story.

Even after living openly, many gay men still wrestle with self-loathing, internalized homophobia, and shame. We may say we’re “out and proud,” but deep down, the pride feels thin — like a layer of paint over a wall that hasn’t been repaired.

So why does this happen? Why can you be openly gay and still secretly hate being gay?

As a psychotherapist who provides gay therapy in Los Angeles, I often see men who struggle with exactly this. Coming out helped, but it didn’t magically erase the years of shame built into their identity.

Let’s look at four hidden dynamics that might be keeping your gay shame alive — and how you can begin to work through them.

1. Staying Selectively Closeted

Coming out isn’t a one-time event — it’s a process. And for many gay men, that process is uneven. You might be “out” with friends, but not at work. Or you might tell certain family members, but carefully avoid talking about your dating life at holidays.

On the surface, this can feel reasonable. After all, you don’t owe your personal story to everyone you meet. But here’s the catch: if you’re choosing silence out of fear, hesitation, or shame — even in safe environments — it may reflect an ongoing discomfort with your sexuality.

Selective closeting is exhausting because it keeps your life compartmentalized. You’re never fully integrated. A part of you is always watching, calculating, editing.

2. Avoiding Gay Spaces

“I just don’t fit in with the gay community.”“I’m not into the scene.”“Gay bars aren’t my thing.”

Sound familiar?

Plenty of gay men have complicated feelings about gay spaces, and that’s valid. The community isn’t perfect, and not everyone has to participate in nightlife or pride festivals. But if you find yourself actively avoiding any kind of gay space — online or offline — it’s worth asking why.

Sometimes distancing yourself from the gay community is less about personal taste and more about unresolved shame. You may not want to be “seen as too gay.” You may fear being judged. Or you may still equate gay culture with stereotypes you don’t want to be associated with.

But here’s the truth: avoiding other gay people doesn’t make you less gay. It only reinforces the idea that your sexuality is something to downplay or deny.

3. Overcompensating Through Achievement

Another hidden way shame shows up: overcompensation. For some gay men, success becomes a shield. You might throw yourself into career achievements, physical fitness, or financial stability — not purely because you want them, but because you feel the need to prove your worth.

It’s an unspoken bargain: “I may be gay, but at least I’m successful.” At first glance, this doesn’t look unhealthy. After all, ambition can fuel great accomplishments. But underneath, this coping mechanism says: my sexuality makes me “less than,” so I need to make up for it somewhere else.

The problem? No amount of external success can heal internal shame. The promotion, the six-pack, the perfect condo — they all fade eventually. And if achievement is built on self-loathing, you’ll keep needing the next fix.

4. Blaming Others for Your Lack of Self-Acceptance

This one stings, but it’s important. Yes, the world is still homophobic. Yes, discrimination is real. Yes, many environments make it harder to be openly gay. But if you wait for society to completely change before you accept yourself, you’ll be waiting forever.

Blaming others keeps you trapped. It says: I’ll love myself when my family stops judging me. Or: I’ll feel proud when the world becomes more inclusive. But here’s the hard truth: nobody else can do that work for you. Self-acceptance is an inside job. It’s about reclaiming your power from the outside world and choosing to love yourself as you are, today.

What These Patterns Have in Common

Each of these dynamics — selective closeting, avoiding gay spaces, overcompensating, or blaming others — reflects the same underlying struggle: compartmentalization.

When being gay still feels like a liability instead of a fully integrated part of your identity, life feels split. You present one version of yourself publicly while another version quietly hides, apologizes, or overcompensates.

The work of healing isn’t about forcing yourself into stereotypes or waving a rainbow flag 24/7. It’s about loosening the grip of shame and making your sexuality one natural piece of who you are.

Moving Toward Healing and Self-Acceptance

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you’re not alone. Nearly every gay man carries some degree of internalized shame — it’s the result of growing up in a heteronormative, often hostile culture.

The good news? Healing is possible.

• Therapy for gay men can help unpack shame, especially modalities like EMDR, IFS, or LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy.

• Community connection — whether through support groups, online forums, or local LGBTQ+ organizations — helps replace isolation with belonging.

• Self-compassion practices like journaling, meditation, or affirmations can rewire how you speak to yourself.

• Authentic living — making small, everyday choices to show up fully as yourself — builds integration over time.

Seeking Gay Therapy is Los Angeles (and Beyond)

Coming out is not the finish line. It’s the starting gate. If you’ve come out and still feel weighed down by shame, you’re not broken — you’re human. Many gay men struggle with this same silent burden. But awareness is the first step toward freedom.

Your sexuality isn’t all of you, but it is part of you. It doesn’t need to be hidden, defended, or overcompensated for. Wear it like a loose garment. Not too tight, not tucked away. Just part of who you are — a whole, worthy, authentic human being.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.

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