A Gay Therapist Explores the Case Against Gay Marriage

9 U.S. states are now introducing measures to overturn gay marriage. Many worry that Project 2025, which Trump claims to have distanced himself from, will fight to overturn the Supreme Court’s 2015 ruling on Obergefell v. Hodges, which made gay marriage legal throughout the United States. Latest studies show that 69% of Americans support gay marriage, so taking away this right would be unpopular. As a gay man, I’m definitely pro gay marriage. But I decided to take the time to hear the other side out. I was genuinely curious to understand: why would someone be against gay marriage? For me, legalizing gay marriage doesn’t poe any threat to heterosexual folks—even if they are homophobic. We’re not demanding that they attend our weddings. We’re simply asking the government to grant us equal rights. I decided to indulge their perspectives and here’s what I found.

Defining “Marriage”

The bulk of the argument comes down to defining the term marriage. Technically, no one entity can claim ownership of the term. The concept of marriage isn’t owned by any culture or religion. So the argument that marriage is solely biblical is simply false. We have recorded evidence of marital systems dating back to 2300 B.C. It’s true that certain religions such as Christianity have their specific definitions of marriage according to their specific doctrine, and that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean that we all have go adhere to their specific definition. So if no one owns the term, then who is to say who can dictate its definition?

Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage

Marriage is a societal construct. And it’s a good one, I would argue. Although nowadays a lot of folks forgo marriage by choice, choosing to remain single. Many claim that marriage serves a very important purpose in our culture: to preserve the family structure. And I would agree. But it’s the details of the family structure that begin to get unfairly rigid. Anti marriage equality activities argue that marriage is about preserving a traditional marriage, which is one of opposite sex partners, monogamous, permanent and produces biological children. Divorce rates are astronomical. And many couples don’t produce children. There’s nothing wrong with that paradigm. But we all know that most heterosexual marriages do not follow that model—not by a long shot. So it doesn’t hold a lot of weight to hold gay folks to a standard that they are failing to meet themselves.

Gay Marriages, Gay Parents

There is some concern that children raised by same-sex parents will not fair as well as children raised by heterosexual couples. Some argue that gay male couples will deprive their children of a mother, and lesbian couples will deprive theirs of a father. But this concern doesn’t directly refute marriage equality, as not all gay marriages produce children—either biologically or through adoption. Also, the concerns about children raised by gay couples are purely speculative. They’re not based on research. We know that the most important aspects of child rearing are the quality of their attachments to their parents. We can all agree, and research definitely shows, that children raised in 2 parent homes do best. But there’s absolutely no evidence to suggest heterosexual parents are more emotionally attuned, protective and frankly, parental, than gay parents.

Why isn’t Civil Union enough?

I’d suggest that the most reasonable argument against gay marriage is offering civil unions to same sex couples. Through a civil union, our government offers gay couples all of the civil benefits of marriage. They just don’t call the union a “marriage.” But gay folks feel that the semantics matter. Disallowing us from the experience of marriage is unnecessarily exclusionary. Furthermore, excluding us from securing marriage is disrespectful and, worse, dehumanizing. Also, there’s a matter of determining if all states would honor civil unions. A federal law provides a sweeping protection.

Should the Government be Involved?

Ultimately, I don’t think the government should police what consenting adults do in the the bedroom. And most Americans seem to agree with that sentiment. Although we did we had Sodomy Laws in the United States until shockingly recently. But, luckily, these laws were essentially unenforceable. The fact that the law existed, however, speaks to the issue of how much government should be involved in social issues altogether. After all, aren’t we supposed to be living in the land of the free?

Gay Men Staying Optimistic

I’m here to tell you: we’re going to be OK. Why? Because we’re more than just marriage. Call it whatever you want, gay people exist and love each other. We’re going to form relationships whether people like it or not. We cannot be reduced to a piece of paper or a government ruling. Sure, they can take away our rights. But they can’t take away our success. The data doesn’t lie: gay men are thriving. We are much more educated than straight men. We now out earn them substantially. Even our retirement portfolios are much significantly more robust. If anything, this backlash against marriage equality just fuels our fire to fight harder and succeed more. We’re strong and we’re going to thrive.