Why Gay Men Struggle With Commitment—A Gay Couples Therapist Explains
- Michael Pezzullo
- Apr 21, 2025
- 5 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
No matter what your personal philosophy on dating and relationships is, one thing is clear: human beings have a natural drive to connect, bond, and form lasting relationships. What those relationships look like can vary greatly from person to person, influenced by values, culture, trauma, and past experiences. But as a gay couples therapist, I’ve seen a recurring theme: many gay men are hesitant—if not outright resistant—when it comes to the idea of long-term commitment or traditional relationships.
In this article, I’ll break down why commitment can feel difficult for many gay men — and how understanding the pattern can shift it.
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Is that inherently a bad thing? Not necessarily. But it is worth exploring. Numerous studies across cultures and demographics consistently show that individuals who are in committed, secure partnerships tend to report greater life satisfaction, better emotional health, and even live longer than those who remain single. Of course, this isn’t to say that every relationship brings happiness, or that single people are inherently unhappy. But statistically, the trend is clear: healthy, stable relationships are beneficial for most people.
So why, then, do so many gay men struggle with commitment?
The Grass Is Always Greener
One of the most commonly cited reasons is what I call the illusion of infinite options. In today’s hyper-connected, app-driven world, it’s easier than ever to meet people. Open up Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, or Hinge in any major city and you’re immediately flooded with potential matches—dozens, if not hundreds, of men within a few blocks of you. With that kind of access, many gay men fall into the trap of always searching for the next best thing.
There’s a pervasive fear of “settling.” What if you commit to someone, only to realize later that someone more attractive, more exciting, or more compatible is just one swipe away? This abundance of choice can lead to a kind of decision paralysis—making it hard to feel satisfied with what you have when you’re always chasing the fantasy of something better.
A Lack of Relationship Role Models
Another important factor is the lack of visible, long-term gay relationship role models. Let’s not forget that marriage equality in the United States was only achieved in 2015. That’s less than a decade ago. For many older gay men, the idea of being in a legally recognized, committed relationship was unimaginable for most of their adult lives. And for younger generations, growing up without seeing healthy gay couples represented in media, families, or society at large means they’ve had to navigate relationships largely on their own.
It’s not just about legality—it’s about cultural normalization. Heterosexual couples have centuries of cultural templates to draw from. Gay couples, in contrast, are still figuring it out. In many ways, the gay community is still in its relational adolescence, experimenting, redefining, and constructing new paradigms for what love and partnership can look like.
Want Support Navigating Commitment?
Struggling with commitment doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Often, it reflects emotional conditioning — not preference.
If you’d like support exploring relationship patterns, I offer therapy for gay men and couples in Los Angeles and via telehealth.
Sex Culture vs. Relationship Culture
Another challenge is the fact that gay male culture has long emphasized sexual liberation—and rightly so. After decades of being shamed and criminalized for expressing their desires, gay men have every right to celebrate their sexuality openly. But while this celebration is healthy in many ways, it can sometimes tip the scales too far in the direction of short-term pleasure over long-term fulfillment.
Many men grow up internalizing the idea that sex is central to identity, status, and connection in the gay world. The idea of romance, emotional intimacy, or long-term partnership can feel secondary—or even threatening—to that sense of sexual freedom. It’s not uncommon to hear men say that commitment feels like a limitation, a loss of freedom, rather than a deepening of connection and self-discovery.
But this narrative leaves out a crucial truth: while sex is pleasurable and validating, it's often fleeting. Deep relationships, on the other hand, offer security, emotional resonance, and personal growth that casual encounters typically don’t provide. Committed relationships, when healthy, aren’t just about giving something up—they're about building something bigger than yourself.
Redefining Commitment
In my work with gay couples and individuals, I’ve found that many men have been conditioned—both by the outside world and by gay culture itself—to see commitment as something stifling or unnecessary. But commitment, at its best, isn’t about control or limitation. It’s about creating a space for growth, safety, and mutual care.
One of the great things about being gay is that we aren’t bound by rigid gender roles or outdated societal expectations. We get to rewrite the script. And that means we can redefine what commitment looks like for us. We don’t need to adopt all the norms of heterosexual relationships—but we also shouldn’t discard them wholesale. There’s wisdom in some of those traditions. Commitment doesn’t have to mean monogamy, marriage, or merging finances. It simply means prioritizing connection and building something that lasts.
By acknowledging both the challenges and the rewards of commitment, we can start shifting the narrative. We can talk more openly about the emotional richness that comes with long-term connection, while still honoring our community’s values of freedom, individuality, and authenticity.
A Gay Couples Therapist’s Perspective
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your independence or embracing casual relationships—if that’s what truly makes you happy. But it’s also okay to want more. It’s okay to crave stability, intimacy, and emotional depth. Commitment doesn’t have to be a trap. It can be a choice—a powerful one—that leads to a more meaningful and satisfying life.
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FAQ: Why Do Gay Men Struggle With Commitment?
Is fear of commitment common?
Yes. Commitment avoidance — sometimes called gamophobia — involves withdrawing as relationships become serious .
Is it about wanting freedom?
Sometimes — but often it reflects learned emotional protection rather than preference.
Does culture play a role?
Yes. Gay male culture has historically emphasized sexual liberation, which can unintentionally frame commitment as limiting rather than enriching .
Can stress impact commitment?
Minority stress and stigma can create emotional guarding that makes vulnerability feel unsafe .
Can therapy help?
Yes. Therapy helps men: understand emotional avoidance, build safety in intimacy & redefine what commitment means.
Getting Support
If you’d like support exploring relationship patterns, emotional avoidance, or intimacy challenges, I offer therapy for gay men and couples in Los Angeles and via telehealth. Schedule a free consultation today.
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