Can You Really Be an “Ex Gay”? A Therapist Examines This Growing Anti-LGBTQ Movement

Lately, I’ve been noticing a familiar but troubling trend resurfacing across social media, podcasts, and conservative platforms: people claiming they are no longer gay. These individuals often label themselves as “ex gay,” “former gay,” or “no longer living a homosexual lifestyle.” Some announce that they’ve left the LGBTQ community entirely. Others frame their story as a personal awakening, a moral realignment, or even a spiritual victory.

We’re seeing these narratives celebrated on podcasts, YouTube shows, and right-leaning media spaces—often without much scrutiny. The implication is clear: if someone can become ex gay, then maybe being gay was never real in the first place. Or worse, maybe it’s something that can—or should—be changed.

As a gay therapist, I want to unpack what’s actually happening here. Not with hostility, but with clarity, compassion, and a firm grounding in psychological science.

Personal Freedom—and Where It Ends

Let me be very clear about my baseline philosophy: people should have the freedom to live however they want, as long as they aren’t harming others.

It is not my job to police someone’s identity, sexual behavior, or belief system. If someone decides to leave the LGBTQ community, stop dating men, or identify as ex gay, that is their right. Truly. I’m not interested in forcing anyone into a label they don’t want.

However, personal freedom does not place someone above critique—especially when their personal story is being used to make broader claims about sexuality. When “ex gay” narratives are presented as proof that homosexuality is mutable, disordered, or something one can grow out of, that’s no longer just a personal choice. That’s a political and cultural message with real consequences.

And that’s where I believe we have every right—and responsibility—to ask hard questions.

Have They Really Changed Their Sexuality?

The most important question is also the simplest: have these individuals actually stopped being gay?

Based on decades of psychological research, the answer is almost certainly no.

Sexual orientation is not something people consciously choose, nor is it something that can be willed away. The overwhelming scientific consensus is that sexual orientation forms early—typically by adolescence—and remains largely stable throughout a person’s life. This is true for gay people and straight people alike.

Just as a straight person cannot therapy their way into being gay, a gay person cannot therapy, pray, or discipline themselves into becoming straight.

When someone identifies as ex gay, what they are usually describing is not a change in sexual orientation, but a change in behavior, identity, or affiliation. And those are very different things.

Behavior Is Not the Same as Orientation

This distinction is critical and often deliberately blurred.

Yes, people can change their behavior. A gay man can choose not to have sex with men. He can remain celibate. He can enter a heterosexual marriage. He can suppress or deny his same-sex attraction. All of that is possible.

But none of that makes him straight.

In the same way, a straight man who remains abstinent until marriage does not stop being straight. He’s simply a sexually inactive straight man. Likewise, a gay man who chooses celibacy is still gay—he’s just not acting on his attraction.

Labeling this behavioral change as becoming ex gay is misleading at best and deceptive at worst.

The Dangerous Subtext of the “Ex Gay” Narrative

The deeper issue isn’t what any one individual does with their life. The real problem is the implied message behind the ex gay label: that homosexuality is an affliction, a disorder, or a moral failure that can be overcome.

This idea is not new. It’s the same premise that fueled decades of conversion therapy—an umbrella term for practices aimed at changing a person’s sexual orientation. These practices have been widely discredited and condemned by every major medical and mental health organization in the United States.

Conversion therapy doesn’t make people straight. What it does do is increase rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, shame, and suicidality—especially among gay men.

Yet today, we’re seeing “ex gay” stories repackaged as inspirational testimonies. High-profile influencers platform these individuals without vetting their claims or examining the broader harm of the message. Former gays are held up as trophies—proof that change is possible—while the psychological damage of these narratives is ignored.

So What’s Really Going On?

I can’t speak definitively about what’s happening inside any one person. But as a therapist who has worked with countless gay men, I have some strong clinical hunches.

In many cases, what I see is deep internalized homophobia.

Internalized homophobia occurs when a gay person absorbs society’s negative messages about homosexuality and turns them inward. The result is shame, self-hatred, and a desperate desire to escape one’s own identity.

For some, identifying as ex gay becomes a psychological survival strategy. If being gay feels unsafe, sinful, or unacceptable, then rejecting that part of oneself can feel like relief—even if it comes at an enormous emotional cost.

In that sense, I don’t feel anger toward most “ex gay” individuals. I feel sadness. And compassion. Many of them are not empowered—they’re struggling.

Compassion Without Collusion

Compassion does not require agreement.

You are free to live your ex gay life. You can leave the LGBTQ community. You can unsubscribe from the newsletter. You can stop using the label “gay” altogether.

But what crosses the line is demonizing those who remain openly gay—or lending your story to movements that seek to harm us. When “ex gay” narratives give cover to homophobia, anti-LGBTQ legislation, or conversion therapy, they stop being personal journeys and start being weapons.

You don’t get to heal your shame by passing it on.

Final Thoughts

No one needs to prove their sexuality to me. But claims about being ex gay deserve careful examination—especially when they are used to undermine LGBTQ people as a whole.

You live your life. We’ll live ours. Just don’t ask us to disappear so you can feel more comfortable.

And don’t confuse silence, suppression, or shame with change.

Because being gay was never the problem to begin with.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men.

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