GAY MEN & VALIDATION DYSPHORIA

As a psychotherapist in West Hollywood working primarily with gay men, there are certain themes that I see over and over in my practice. Probably the most common is the constant need, and never ending chase, for validation.

This has become such a common theme in my work that I’ve come up with my own term to describe it: validation dysphoria.

Symptoms of this experience include:

• Constant craving for the approval of others

• Dependence on external validation to maintain self-esteem

• Chronic feelings inadequacy and low self-worth

• Social anxiety

• Lacking authenticity in personal relationships

Folks with validation dysphoria hold the belief that they are not worthy unless they receive constant praise from others. They simply confuse positive attention from others as proof of their self worth. 

Most gay men understand where this comes from. We’ve grown up believing that who we are inherently is not enough. Then, as out gay men, we’ve been brainwashed to believe that our self worth is entirely dependent on how we look and how successful we are.

Trying to sustain self worth becomes a never ending chase for more and more validation. But with a hole at the bottom, your cup is only ever full for a fleeting moment before you are left feeling empty and depleted again. Validation gives you a momentary fix, a temporary high. But it quickly fades. The truth is any validation we receive is only very temporarily potent. You might receive lots of attention at your local gym on a Tuesday, only to be met with barely any notice at all on Wednesday. As the validation comes and goes, so does your self worth. If several handsome guys flirt with you, you are worthy. If they don’t, you’re not.

While this experience is most pronounced among other gay men, validation dysphoria can show up at work, with friends, with families, etc.

The best way to debunk validation dysphoria is to realize that the ultimate validation you need can only come from yourself. Once you are clear that you see and value all parts of yourself—both good and bad—you’re free. You no longer need validation from others to feel good about yourself. Will validation still feel nice? Of course. But it will just be icing on the cake. Not an essential ingredient you need to survive.

Convincing clients to give up long standing belief systems about their self worth is no easy feat. Although validation seeking is a very unsuccessful way of sustaining self esteem, it is a method. I’ve found that, although it's torturous, many people don’t want to let this strategy go.

I’ve found that the most confident, secure people I’ve come across simply don’t depend on others to feel worthy. They’re already found a sense of self-acceptance from within. That’s the task that all of us must do to finally be free of validation seeking.