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Gay Men and Sexual Needs
We often talk about sexual needs in terms of physicality—what we’re attracted to. But what about our emotional needs in sex? Gay men’s sexual needs are not purely carnal. We also seek to have deep emotional needs fulfilled through sex. If you want better sex, it’s not just a matter of finding more attractive sexual partners. It’s about finding men who can fulfill your emotional needs as well. Here are some emotional sexual needs that gay men can start exploring:
Connection
What is connection? I’d suggest it’s the process of feeling seen and understood. Sex can be an avenue to meet those needs. With connection, there’s also a sense of safety. But it’s not all about complete visibility. In fact, one very critical sexual need can be a desire for separateness and autonomy.
Safety
Many people need a sense of safety and boundaries before they can let loose and explore. Oftentimes, gay men return to the same partners because they have this inherent sense of safety. They know what to expect and have a reasonable expectation of security. As a result, they often find themselves much more aroused, without the anxiety of a new sexual partner.
Spontaneity
We all know that one of the most exciting aspects of sex is the chase—the thrill of the new. It’s one of the reasons sex drive tends to wane in long-term relationships. There's an emphasis on "intimacy" and vulnerability, but many gay men enjoy sex that is completely devoid of intimacy. One-night stands, no-strings-attached sex, sometimes with a complete stranger—that’s the thrill. Depending on how far you go, novelty-chasing can become increasingly risky.
Power
Power play is a huge component of sexual desire. Feeling powerful or feeling overpowered is intricately linked to sex. After all, you’re allowing someone access to your body—to make your body do things. You rely on them to give your body pleasure, and vice versa. Just feeling attractive can itself be a form of power. It can feel incredibly validating.
How to Get Better Sex
Gay or straight, men often have a harder time identifying their emotional needs in general. We’ve been socialized to repress them. For gay men, years of being closeted only reinforce the pattern of suppression. But to have better sex, you’ll need to learn not only to identify your needs but also to express them. And, you’ll need to begin to focus on sexual desire that incorporates more than just asethetics.
You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here.
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