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Is Porn Killing Your Sex Life? Insights from a Gay Couples Therapist In West Hollywood

Writer's picture: Michael PezzulloMichael Pezzullo

Is Porn Killing Your Sex Life? Insights from a Gay Couples Therapist In West Hollywood


Almost all gay men watch porn. It’s nearly impossible to avoid it nowadays. Even if you’re not purposely seeking out explicit videos online, we are inundated with thirst traps on social media. Many gay men find that porn has a negative effect on their relationships—even if they don’t feel “addicted” to it. So what exactly are the dangers of porn, and how is porn addiction sabotaging my relationship? Here are my thoughts as a gay couples therapist in West Hollywood.


Your Brain on Porn

Porn prioritizes short-term gratification. You no longer have to get dressed up, go out to a bar, and spend hours flirting and talking with different guys in the hopes of eventually “getting lucky.” Instead, you can just open your laptop or pick up your iPhone and experience sexual gratification within seconds. Essentially, any sexual fantasy you can conjure up is available for you to view at any time—and for free. While immediate enjoyment is great, relying on quick gratification is dangerous. Why? Well, the brain habituates over time. As human beings, we are always driven toward what’s most efficient. If your brain learns that it can receive sexual pleasure very quickly through porn, while the process of finding sexual pleasure through actual sex is much longer, which method do you think you will begin to default to? It’s not laziness; it’s truly a biological drive toward efficiency that we have to keep in mind.


Are There Benefits to Porn?

The porn industry is huge—bigger than every major TV network combined. The first pornographic film appeared in 1915, and 87% of porn is consumed by men. Some argue that porn can have benefits for one’s sexuality. It provides employment to an entire industry, for one. Many gay men, particularly those who grew up a few decades ago, argue that pornography gave them insight into a world of gay sexuality that they would not have otherwise known about. However, it’s hard to ignore that porn can become a compulsive habit for many and can lead to addiction for some. (Note: porn addiction is still not a recognized diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual; you can read more about that on my blog here.)


Should I Be Concerned?

So how do I know if porn is interfering with my relationship? If you find yourself sneaking off to the bathroom or another room with your laptop rather than engaging in physical intimacy with your partner, you may want to consider whether your relationship with porn is actually working for you—or if it’s sabotaging you. Porn can be great, but we should all prioritize physical sex more. Nowadays, studies are showing that men, particularly young men, are having less sex compared to previous generations.


A Gay Couples Therapist in West Hollywood

Porn is a tough habit to break. I suggest starting by putting some blockers on your devices that limit your ability to access 18+ websites. You can even take it a step further and give the password to a friend to prevent yourself from simply disabling this preventative measure. Most importantly: have more sex. Sure, it takes more effort, but don’t forget that the pursuit is part of the fun. The delay of gratification is a vital component of eroticism that you don’t want to miss.


If you need help getting this conversation started with your partner, you can learn more about my work with couples here.

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