Dating Advice from a Gay Couples Therapist: Red Flags You’re Ignoring

Michael Pezzullo
2 days ago
5 min read

Let’s face it—dating is rarely smooth sailing, and gay dating can add its own unique complexities. Whether you're new to dating or a seasoned pro, learning how to spot red flags early on can help protect your emotional well-being and lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

As a gay couples therapist, I’ve seen the same patterns play out again and again in relationships that eventually fall apart. But I’m not here to repeat the standard advice you’ve heard a thousand times—like "don’t date someone who’s rude to waitstaff" or "watch out for guys who ghost." Instead, I want to talk about the red flags that are less obvious—the ones we don’t talk about enough but have serious consequences if overlooked.

What Is a “Red Flag,” Really?

These days, it seems like everything is labeled a red flag. But not every flaw is a dealbreaker. No one is perfect—your future partner included. Just because someone is a bit awkward in conversation or forgets to text back right away doesn’t mean they’re not relationship material.

The real red flags? Those are the traits, patterns, or beliefs that consistently undermine emotional safety and intimacy.

These are the warning signs that often lead to toxic dynamics if ignored. And in my work as a gay couples therapist, I’ve noticed a few red flags that are far too common—and far too accepted—in gay dating culture.

1. Belittling Other Gay Men

It’s one thing to engage in thoughtful critique of the gay community—we all benefit from self-reflection and accountability. But it’s a problem when someone consistently expresses disdain toward other gay men or the community as a whole.

Phrases like:

“I don’t hang out with other gays.”
“I’m not like other gay guys.”
“Ugh, gay men are so dramatic.”

These statements might sound harmless, or even like attempts at humor, but they often mask deeper issues of internalized homophobia. When someone separates themselves from the very community they belong to, it can create a toxic foundation for a relationship.

If your partner has contempt for gay men, it’s only a matter of time before that contempt affects you, too. As a gay couples therapist, I’ve seen relationships crumble because one partner slowly internalized the negative messages being subtly (or not so subtly) directed at them.

2. Chemsex Dependency

Substance use during sex—sometimes referred to as chemsex—is fairly common in the gay community. While not inherently a red flag, it becomes one if a person is reliant on drugs to feel comfortable with intimacy.

Some men use substances like poppers or meth not just to enhance pleasure, but to disconnect from their bodies or emotions during sex. This kind of dissociation can be a sign of unresolved trauma, shame around sex, or fear of vulnerability.

If every hookup involves drugs—or if your partner avoids sex unless substances are involved—it’s worth asking: Why?

In therapy, I often work with couples where one partner feels emotionally distant during sex because of a long-standing chemsex habit. These habits can erode trust and intimacy over time, and healing often requires both partners to address deeper emotional wounds.

3. No Sense of Self

Early in a relationship, it’s natural to share interests, hobbies, and ideas. But if your partner seems to lack opinions, direction, or a personal identity, be cautious.

A partner who molds themselves to fit your preferences might seem ideal at first—but over time, this can lead to instability. Why? Because if someone doesn’t truly know who they are, their sense of identity may shift dramatically over the course of the relationship.

As a gay couples therapist, I often see this dynamic in relationships that started fast and intense, only to fizzle once one partner “finds themselves.” What looked like compatibility was actually a lack of boundaries—and eventually, resentment can grow on both sides.

4. Constant Validation-Seeking

In a healthy relationship, it’s normal to want reassurance. But beware of partners who constantly seek validation and shut down when they’re challenged.

Do they need to be agreed with at all times? Do they get defensive when you share a different opinion? Do they expect you to manage their emotions or self-esteem?

While it’s important to support your partner, it’s not your job to be their therapist, cheerleader, and emotional babysitter all rolled into one. A relationship should allow for disagreement, discussion, and growth—not just affirmation.

From a therapist’s point of view, this kind of dynamic often stems from unresolved attachment wounds. Without proper boundaries, these wounds can transform your relationship into an emotional minefield.

Why These Red Flags Matter

Each of these red flags points to a larger theme: emotional unavailability. Whether it’s internalized shame, unclear identity, or fear of intimacy, these patterns make it difficult to build the emotional foundation necessary for a lasting partnership.

In my work as a gay couples therapist, I often see that these red flags were present from the start—but ignored because of attraction, chemistry, or the simple desire to be loved. It's understandable. We all want connection. But ignoring early warning signs can lead to heartbreak, codependency, or even emotional abuse down the road.

Trust Your Gut: Your Best Dating Tool

At the end of the day, the best advice I can give isn’t even from my training as a therapist—it’s from human experience: trust your gut.

If something feels off, don’t brush it aside. Don’t wait for someone else to validate your concerns. Your intuition is one of the most powerful tools you have in the dating world.

Seek input from trusted friends or a therapist if you’re unsure. But remember: you don’t need a long list of “proof” to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right.

Final Thoughts from a Gay Couples Therapist

Dating can be fun, exciting, even magical. But it’s also a time to be discerning, self-aware, and intentional. As a gay couples therapist, I want you to date with your eyes wide open—not through a filter of hope or fantasy.

Look for green flags. Stay alert to the red ones. And most importantly, don’t settle for less than emotional safety and mutual respect. You deserve that.

Want More Guidance?

If you found this post helpful, consider working with a licensed gay couples therapist to dive deeper into your patterns and dating experiences. Therapy can help you break toxic cycles, improve self-awareness, and build the relationship you truly want. If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work with gay men and couples.