_edited.png)
What is Internal Family Systems?
Internal Family Systems (also known as “parts work”) has become an increasingly popular therapeutic modality in recent years. And for good reason: it’s very effective. In my opinion, some internal family systems work is essential for any gay man’s therapy. While this theory can get complicated, I’ll break down some of the key concepts below.
We all have “Parts”
We are not just simply one thing or one entity. Human beings are composed of parts. For example: there’s a part of me that’s angry or a part of me that’s compassionate. At the center, we do have a core self. We’re not amorphous. Parts work isn’t entirely new. In fact, Freud, the founder of modern psychology, was the first to suggest that we all wrestle with inner conflicts. Ideally, our parts are an ecosystem, that ideally interact in a harmonious fashion. So what happens when they don’t?
Our Exiles
We can also relate to the idea that there are parts of ourselves that we don’t particularly like. A lot of us try to put forward our better parts and hide our parts we find less valuable. But sometimes this dislike morphs into full on contempt. In IFS, these parts are called “exiles.” Most gay men understand this concept. After all, we had to exile our sexuality or sexual expression to some degree. By the time we are adults, most of us will have several exiles. So what do we do with all these disowned parts?
Our Protectors
Protectors serve the role of keeping these exiles out of consciousness and out of view from others. Take this example. Say you we were bullied and shamed for your perceived sexuality in middle school. You probably felt ashamed. So a protector developed to ensure that you didn’t experience that feeling again. Say the best way to protect yourself at the time was to hide—to blend in. At the time, it worked. You concealed yourself and the bullying stopped. The problem is this way of protecting yourself continued. Now you’re 35 and you have this protector part constantly encouraging you to keep hiding. Don’t put yourself out there, don’t go for the promotion. Don’t ever step into the arena where you could be the target of criticism. Stay hidden and small. While protecting our exiles is great, it doesn’t actually heal them. We just keep these parts of ourselves locked away. So how do we free ourselves from these roles?
Internal Family Systems for Gay Men
The process of healing is essentially the same for everyone, regardless of your sexuality. It’s something we call integration. When we integrate, each of our parts has access to one another. We are not fragmented or compartmentalized. To do this, it requires one to develop a strong sense of self acceptance and self compassion. Often times we have to learn to accept, and maybe even love, parts of ourselves that we had deemed, bad for quite some time. Gay therapists know that integration is essential to the gay man’s healing journey. Without it, we often feel depressed and simple dissatisfied with life. Internal family systems therapy can provide the opportunity to finally reclaim your lost parts, while feeling fully witnessed in the process.
Note: A great resource to get started is Richard Schwart’z book “No Bad Parts.” It’s a quick read and you don’t need a psychology degree to understand the key concepts.
Comentários